Waking up that next morning
Felt like waking up from a bad dream that was actually true... I felt like a grey cloud was on top of me. But waking up and hugging Leah, and being in her space felt like oatmeal to my
my soul (like oatmeal just the way you had it growing up, with butter, brown sugar, and all it's perfection). To bat, Leah ADORED Cord, and they already had a sweet little relationship. This was such a sweet gift and allowed me to "be" in the grey cloud space and took an emotional load off me, knowing Cord's innocent needs for connection were still being met by an excited Aunt.
I loved being able to sleep in. Because Cord gets up super early in the mornings, Leah and Cord got some fun morning bonding time and made breakfast & fed the chickens together most mornings. She's the best Aunt anyone could ask for. Leahs' name to my kids is Auntie Bird (because as a child, my Dad's nickname for her was Renee Bird), and it's stuck.
During our time in Golden
We took walks daily. Perfect for many reasons, but Cord was a very busy little guy, I was pregnant, and it was also nice to do something normal, have a routine, and get some sunshine as well. We’d walk by the river in Golden, kick all the fall leaves, thrown an endless number of rocks... I look at my tired eyes in that lower picture, and I vividly remember how I felt that day... the mix of trying to be a normal mom for Cord, but so emotionally drained from crying, sleepless, and in shock.
So many contemplative moments,
With the leaves almost mesmerizingly falling and floating down the river. I'd look over and watch Brian staring at the leaves as they circle back through the eddy before being swept down the river to never be seen again... We named our baby Leaf, after these moments.
Pretty much right away, Leah's friends started delivering meals to Leah & Phil's house. Her sweet community supported us when we were not even their community... We felt so loved. Friends, family of friends, mail from people, and calls, texts, and the like from our community back home, reaching out to share prayers, love, support and those holding space for our situation. Such an outpouring of support. In this moment we felt this unspeakable peace in the middle of an unimaginable situation. It felt like a corset was holding us together. All our needs were being met. I am a fairly private person, and was struggling with how to handle the massive inundation of communicate from others, how to stay in my integrity and desire to be present for Cord & Brian, be with my own grieving needs, and still share our journey with our community of people. I also really didn't have much energy to talk to others at this point.
Some of our friends from home came into town to to be with us. Other friends came over from in town... Others had us over for dinner, inviting us to share our scenario with them, and then offering to fill any needs we might have. So incredibly supported, the whole time.
After a week...
Brian and I were struggling to decide what to do about about work/money and being advised to "stay local" for an undetermined amount of time. Some dear friends put together a GoFundMe account. It ended up covering 3 months worth of work (after a few weeks)! People shared encouraging words of support on the page with their financial support. We were amazed by the outpouring of support. I was able to blog on there as well, and keeping everyone up to date. Perfect. What a sweet sweet gift that whole site ended up being. Then we were able to relax, make a plan of being together in Denver, and just "be" in the situation as much as possible, and be together while we wait for baby to be born (or die in utero). Yes it was an odd place to be mentally.
One of my friends took me to shopping for premie clothes.Here's my journal entry from that day:
"Yesterday was super hard… none of us slept the night before, and the day and it’s trials seemed to really have an easy path into our minds & hearts. I was frustrated with every conversation. I was annoyed with mentally processing-a seemingly endless feat. Brian was taking things personally, and footholds that are struggles for him rose to the surface. Just feeling under attack…
Time with friends from home was great this weekend… and hard, but in a good way. One of my dearest friends took me shopping for preemie girl cloths. She helped me crack open a door that was completely closed. We didn’t know if we were having a girl or a boy until last week when all this happened, and so we didn’t have any little girl clothes, much less any preemie stuff (she’s small for her age, but also will most likely come early/soon) to fit a 4 lb-ish baby.
It’s hard to think about wanting any of this to pass any quicker because every time little Leaf kicks I’m reminded that she’s safe in there. That little atmosphere in there, with the placenta taking care of everything, works for her. It’s when she’s born that it all goes to crap… But, as we’ve felt more and more at peace about this crazy process, we’ve decided that she will come when she comes. It’s SO incredibly tempting to want to formulate a plan, to try to nail something-ANYTHING down. Should we induce labor? Should we get this show on the road? No… it’s such a blessing having her happy in there. These are priceless days with her. I will never complain about being pregnant again. Funny how perspective changes everything. Last night at midnight I found myself wide awake. I went to the bathroom and laid back down to find that Leaf was wide awake in my belly. She was kicking up a storm & loving life. I teared up… She & I lay awake for what must’ve been a couple hours until sleep finally found us again.
Some people ask what sex the baby is when you’re pregnant, and we answer one or the other, or that we’re waiting to find out. Then the response is, “Well, as long as it’s a healthy baby”. What a silly thing to say, isn’t’ it? That’s to say that if the baby isn’t healthy then we’re not going to be happy or grateful. Little do people know that although this isn’t a situation any of us would sign up for, we are being blessed EVERY day… all day.
Speaking of blessings… People have been sharing our story in their circle of friends, families, in their bible studies, and on their prayer chains. It’s been VERY humbling to hear the responses, the love, the caring words, the encouragement, the far reaching connections made, and the fruit of this situation. Thank you for participating and passing us on so we can be prayed for, and encouraged.
I posted this entry to the update page at this time in the journey:
"What a humbling experience to be surrounded by such generous friends and family. Thank you all for your continued encouragement, prayers, messages of Truth, and your financial help as well. We are having a hard day today... like maybe the shock of it all is settling in. Please please please keep praying that we can feel a peace about this crazy situation. Every day we look at things a new way, as if we keep having new thoughts and perspective... we're just feeling a bit drained. Love you all for your support through this."
Another friend came through town and blessed us with pregnancy pictures (so glad this ended up working out, and that we have these to look back on):
Leaving Leah & Phil's, another prenatal visit, making memories with/for Leaf, and headed to the farm to be with Brian's family. The calm before the storm.